Archive for the ‘The Opposite Sex’ Category

HANDLE WITH CARE

Posted: February 21, 2012 in The Opposite Sex
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This afternoon I almost fell asleep at my desk. Not on purpose mind you but because I had spent the previous evening watching Crime and Investigation Channel until the wee hours of the morning. Admittedly there were probably more productive ways to spend my time like clipping my toenails for instance. But as I have the most beautiful feet in the world (seriously they’re perfect and dainty) they don’t really require that much maintenance on my behalf. It’s all natural baby.

It’s bizarre how the macabre can be so addictive. I suppose if I was a responsible adult I would have gone to bed at a respectable time and no doubt I would have brushed my teeth as well. But thankfully I did not otherwise I wouldn’t have realised how homicidal the fairer sex can be. ‘Snapped: Women Who Kill’, and ‘Women Behind Bars’, to name but a few shows. As the immortal expression goes, bitches be crazy!

All I know is next time I go on a date I’m carrying mace and while I’m at it probably some breath mints as well. Hey just because she’s going to go crazy later doesn’t mean you can’t get fresh beforehand. I’m nothing if not thoughtful.

SEVEN ELEVEN

Posted: January 24, 2012 in The Opposite Sex
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‘My favourite number is seven’, she said. ‘That’s quite a coincidence’, I replied.

‘Oh, is your favourite number seven as well?’

‘No, it’s eleven.’

‘I see.’

‘Well it rhymes. So surely that’s a sign?’

‘A sign that you can’t count properly.’

‘That’s not very nice. So if you’ll excuse me I’m going to use the next 5 minutes to pout and imagine something wicked happening to you in my head. I’m imagining a flight of stairs. Oh my God you just missed a step! This is going to end badly. I’m not exactly sure your leg should be at that angle. Oh well.’

‘Hey take that back. Do you know how traumatised you’ll be if I do actually fall down some stairs.’

‘I’m sure I’ll get over it in time. Plus wine helps me forget.’

‘Anyway surely you wouldn’t want anything to happen to my pretty doll face?’

‘I admit you have a point. You are almost as pretty as me. It’s just a pity about your thighs I guess.’

‘You wish! I could bounce a nickel off my bum it’s that pert.’

‘And tell me how exactly will you manage that? Are you double-jointed perhaps? Because I suspect reaching your arm all the way around and then attempting to bounce a coin off your bum whilst simultaneously assuring it doesn’t get lodged in your crack may prove to be a tad difficult.’

‘Well play your cards right and maybe you’ll be the one to bounce the coin off my bum.’

‘Don’t be so coy. If you want to see me naked all you have to do is say so.’

‘You’re entertaining. I certainly can’t fault your optimism even if it’s delusional. So why is your favourite number eleven?’

‘Because the figure reminds me of two lost souls standing next to each other or even a couple holding hands.’

‘Really? You’re such a romantic. Are you sure your heart isn’t made of candyfloss?’

‘And you, what is the fascination with seven?’

‘I actually got it from an episode of Friends. Let’s just say Monica has a special relationship with the number seven.’

‘I’m delighted to say I know exactly what you’re talking about. You have a one track mind and I love the way it works.’

 

As always my conversations with the opposite sex are nothing if not thought provoking.