Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

Inevitable

Posted: March 4, 2016 in Random
Tags: , , ,

It was inevitable that I would see The Daily Post. I made light of it at the time, little realising that five minutes later I would be staring at a blank screen, incredulous as my fingers fluttered across the keyboard. Each tap, a step closer, to completing a blog post – a smile of satisfaction swept across my face – I was done. The game’s afoot – the blogging journey has begun!

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Picture the scene. Feel free to incorporate a soundtrack as well if it catches your fancy. Might I suggest something by Mayday Parade or for those less inclined to my musical whims perhaps something befitting the occasion like Chariots of Fire.

There I was sitting at my desk, oddly I find standing to be a chore, wondering whether time would pass by slower if I stared at the little clock in the corner of my computer screen or if I stared at the ceiling. In case your curiosity was piqued, the ceiling in my office is surprisingly well maintained. It then dawned on me, by way of association, that I had never actually been horizontal in my office. This made me rather sad. After all one of the joys of working in a large corporate environment is the opportunity for inter-office dalliances. Perhaps because everyone is so straight-laced at work we desire to discover what lies beneath. It could be that or it could just be the fact that most people are horny and secretly believe they’ll never be caught.

If these walls could talk is often what springs to mind when I recall all of the shenanigans that have taken place at what would outwardly appear to be a creative if somewhat staid working environment. The truth is you never really know someone until you’ve witnessed the transformation that takes place after they’ve had a couple of drinks. Suddenly your boss becomes your best friend. Awkward? Well yes and no, depending on how many drinks you’ve had yourself. There’s open and honest and then there’s OPEN and HONEST. Your boss for example doesn’t need to know that you collect pantyhose in your spare time but by the same token remember everything your boss tells you. What is inappropriate now makes for great blackmail material later down the road. True story. Oh and while I have your attention. Trust no one… ever!

Sadly, or not I suppose depending on your libido and your standards, female colleagues go from being somewhat alluring to downright irresistible after a couple of tequilas. Of course you also inevitably end up discovering that make-up is a necessity for some women rather than a luxury. I just re-read that part and now I feel bad. Okay I’m better now. Right so you’ve slept with your colleague. Now what? Sure she’s cute but now it’s boring. Thank God you work together after all she’s not going to cause a scene if you tell her you want to cool it. Hmm lets review that shall we. Female, check. Emotions, check. Rational… I take it you see where I’m going with this. A woman scorned contrary to what you may think is not a friend for life. I admit men aren’t that much better when they happen to be on the receiving end of an exit wink. We may not be big on theatrics but we sure know how to hold a grudge. Is this good for overall productivity? Fuck who cares. But it sure doesn’t make for a pleasant working environment.

As my dad always said, ‘never dip your pen in the company ink.’ Of course I had no idea what he was on about and wrote it down to the fact that he was going senile. Now that I’m older I realise I was just a really slow kid…

It seems rather bizarre that every time I put finger to keyboard, I have this urge to apologise for my recent lackadaisical approach to blogging. Well to hell with that! Instead I am going to delight you, my dear reader, with some thought provoking if somewhat fanciful ramblings courtesy of my dysfunctional mind.

My mind, bless its soul, is a leaky contraption at the best of times. Supremely talented at storing irrelevant obscure facts but prone to forgetting vital information at the most inopportune moments. “Hello Douglas, it’s so good of you to come to my party.” ‘My name is Randolph!’ “Oh, well they practically sound the same.”

I’ve been working like a dog recently. Actually I’m not entirely sure that’s true. I’ve known a lot of dogs in my time and they never seem to be doing anything constructive, unless of course chasing a dragonfly in the back garden counts as being constructive. Hard work is sometimes like a drug. It consumes your thoughts to the point where if you’re not working, the only way to pass the time is to think about work. It’s a sad state of affairs if I’m blunt. Regrettably I have not been immune to its charms, if I can call it that. I swear if I start developing grey hairs, I’m going to pack it all in and become a professional wino. But let me not start hyperventilating here.

As a clear cut demonstration of how little time I’ve had to myself, all I’ve read in the past two months is a copy of Men’s Health magazine. Rather ‘mysteriously’ it was titled the Sex Issue. But surely if you’re actually having sex you don’t have time to read? Wait a minute, what does that say about me? Awkward moment. Oooh, look a peacock, such pretty colours. I think I handled that well.

In other news I had protein oats for breakfast. If I’m not mistaken this means I can sit and stare at my computer screen all day long and I’ll still develop muscles. It’s a pity life doesn’t actually work like that. The only thing I’ll develop from sitting on my ass all day is haemorrhoids. Regrettably chicks don’t dig haemorrhoids, well not that I know of, although it’s probably not something I’m likely to bring up on a first date anytime soon. Suffice to say women can be judgmental and stuff. There’s a fine line between having a sense of humour and just being plain weird. Thankfully I’m such a snappy dresser I’ll never be considered weird. After all it’s hard not to look awesome in paisley.

If you’re wondering about the cryptic title suffice to say I’m afraid of lawsuits, men who wear leather pants, and copyright monsters. The more astute among you however may also realise that it’s a clever play on words considering Allie Brosh has for all intents and purposes gone missing in action. I suppose it’s entirely possible that a small percentage of you may not actually know who or what ‘Hyperbole and a Half’ is. I could elaborate and enlighten you with some orgasmic inducing witticism but instead I’ll just say click here.

After conducting exhaustive research, which basically entailed doing a Google search, I discovered that Allie is sad. This made me sad and so to cheer myself up I watched a Justin Bieber music video. Oh how I laughed! Seriously though depression is no laughing matter. If someone you know or love is suffering from depression I suggest you stage an intervention and by intervention I mean bring lots of beer.

Apparently though depression isn’t a condition that just disappears overnight. Many people I’ve spoken to have alluded to the fact that depression can last up to five days. Okay that’s a lie I haven’t actually spoken to anyone. Face to face conversations don’t really work for me especially since that last incident involving the stalker. No means no Mischa! Why women think they can just use me for my body is beyond me but I digress.

I’m pretty sure that if I spoke to someone about depression they would agree with me that it can last up to five days. After all that’s how long the average working week lasts. I don’t mean to suggest of course that everyone hates their job. It’s entirely possible that someone like Chris Brown does actually enjoy singing for his supper. Then again considering how mad he gets sometimes perhaps he doesn’t.

The point is I miss Allie. Hyperbole and a Half was a welcome distraction. A ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak and barren landscape. My life isn’t a bleak and barren landscape. It’s more of a disco ball, tank tops, and roller-skating, kind of affair. But I was trying to be poetic there. I could, if I so wished, accuse Allie of being selfish considering she didn’t take my feelings into account before taking a hiatus. But I won’t because I care plus she’s not my mom.

I am however an eternal optimist and so I’m going to pretend that Allie is no longer depressed. Instead she smiles a lot (not in a creepy way though) and laughs freely whenever someone farts. In my mind she is wearing a Hello Kitty bathrobe, smoking a pipe, and working hard on her upcoming book. And I suppose since I’m dreaming, I imagine she’ll send me an advance copy of her book with the inscription, ‘Dear Innocent1, without your words of encouragement none of this would have been possible. Many nights when I was lost and confused I would open up your blog for inspiration. Regrettably however none was forthcoming. In fact I felt cheapened by the whole exercise. But at least it opened my eyes. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that even in my lowest lows, I would be able to say more with just one spaghetti noodle picture than you’d ever be able to say in an entire blog. I’m not judging you. Okay I am. Anyway thanks. Allie.’