Effortlessly cleaning out that dirty mouth of mine

Posted: January 28, 2014 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

So the power tripped, as it is prone to do in the technological super hub that is South Africa. Fear not though, it returned shortly thereafter, no doubt expedited by the fact that I was having malevolent  thoughts about how I would mete out justice should it not do so.

Currently I am staring at my radio alarm clock, as it flashes at me, imploring me to adjust it to the correct time. For some reason I suspect it’s not much of a non-conformist. Time waits for no man. Well it does now. Plus I am lazy and there are so many buttons on this faux chrome gismo I fear that if I fiddle with it I’ll somehow inadvertently reset all the clocks in the Southern Hemisphere. Which actually I’m okay with as long as it means that I get to sleep in for an extra 20 minutes.

I confess I really had to motivate myself to brush my teeth today. I’m not looking for an award; I just want to make clear that it took some effort. This minty breath is courtesy of some elbow grease and some guilt inspired coercion. The internal monologue went something like this –

Me: I wonder if I should just hold this in and that way I can use the toilet paper at work instead.

Me (Again. Obviously.):  I don’t know hey. These sounds are getting pretty ominous.

Me (Again. Really are we actually going to have to do this each time?): I tell you what, I’ll rock, paper, scissors you for it.

Me (Again. Good you’re catching on.): Um, that makes no sense.

Me: Damn your logic. In other news I don’t feel like brushing my teeth.

Me: But what if a promiscuous blonde decides to randomly kiss you?

Me: Why I would be scandalised. I don’t advocate kissing before marriage. Wanton groping sure. But I draw the line at saliva swapping.

Me: You’re not fooling me other random voice in my head. Let’s just say your recent track record is as chequered as a chess board.

Me: I take it this is the last time you’ll ever mention chess in my presence? I don’t have anything against chess per se but it has been scientifically proven to promote premature ejaculation in men.

Me: You just made that up.

Me: Be that as it may, as of today I am Superman and toothpaste is my kryptonite.

Me: Do you think your parents would be proud to discover that they raised a fluoride abhorring specimen?

Me: Well I wouldn’t say proud necessarily, but expectant certainly.

Me: I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this BUT if you don’t brush your teeth as stipulated in your human user manual circa 1980, I may have no option but to put a medley on in your head of Taylor Swift’s most infamous hits.

Me: You’re bluffing!

Me: Am I?

Needless to say I love this minty fresh feeling in my mouth.

  1. Desire says:

    Well as I live and breathe……….. always wanted a really good opportunity to use that phrase. It makes me feel like a wise old man who knows a lot about owls and scorpions. And leather.

    How I’ve missed the long and somewhat insane exchanges between you and Bibz! Let’s hope this draws Bibz out of hibernation too!

    Welcome back.

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