Archive for June, 2012

If you’re wondering about the cryptic title suffice to say I’m afraid of lawsuits, men who wear leather pants, and copyright monsters. The more astute among you however may also realise that it’s a clever play on words considering Allie Brosh has for all intents and purposes gone missing in action. I suppose it’s entirely possible that a small percentage of you may not actually know who or what ‘Hyperbole and a Half’ is. I could elaborate and enlighten you with some orgasmic inducing witticism but instead I’ll just say click here.

After conducting exhaustive research, which basically entailed doing a Google search, I discovered that Allie is sad. This made me sad and so to cheer myself up I watched a Justin Bieber music video. Oh how I laughed! Seriously though depression is no laughing matter. If someone you know or love is suffering from depression I suggest you stage an intervention and by intervention I mean bring lots of beer.

Apparently though depression isn’t a condition that just disappears overnight. Many people I’ve spoken to have alluded to the fact that depression can last up to five days. Okay that’s a lie I haven’t actually spoken to anyone. Face to face conversations don’t really work for me especially since that last incident involving the stalker. No means no Mischa! Why women think they can just use me for my body is beyond me but I digress.

I’m pretty sure that if I spoke to someone about depression they would agree with me that it can last up to five days. After all that’s how long the average working week lasts. I don’t mean to suggest of course that everyone hates their job. It’s entirely possible that someone like Chris Brown does actually enjoy singing for his supper. Then again considering how mad he gets sometimes perhaps he doesn’t.

The point is I miss Allie. Hyperbole and a Half was a welcome distraction. A ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak and barren landscape. My life isn’t a bleak and barren landscape. It’s more of a disco ball, tank tops, and roller-skating, kind of affair. But I was trying to be poetic there. I could, if I so wished, accuse Allie of being selfish considering she didn’t take my feelings into account before taking a hiatus. But I won’t because I care plus she’s not my mom.

I am however an eternal optimist and so I’m going to pretend that Allie is no longer depressed. Instead she smiles a lot (not in a creepy way though) and laughs freely whenever someone farts. In my mind she is wearing a Hello Kitty bathrobe, smoking a pipe, and working hard on her upcoming book. And I suppose since I’m dreaming, I imagine she’ll send me an advance copy of her book with the inscription, ‘Dear Innocent1, without your words of encouragement none of this would have been possible. Many nights when I was lost and confused I would open up your blog for inspiration. Regrettably however none was forthcoming. In fact I felt cheapened by the whole exercise. But at least it opened my eyes. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that even in my lowest lows, I would be able to say more with just one spaghetti noodle picture than you’d ever be able to say in an entire blog. I’m not judging you. Okay I am. Anyway thanks. Allie.’

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