IT’S NOT VAIN IF YOU ARE PRETTY

Posted: February 8, 2012 in My Life
Tags: , , , , , ,

This morning I woke up at 5:30am, voluntarily. To put this into context, it’s so early even the roosters are dead to the world. This of course wasn’t always the case but now that the roosters have formed their own trade union, called Birds of a Feather, they point blank refuse to get up before 6am unless they’re paid overtime. Admittedly I don’t know many roosters but if I had a rooster of my own I’d name him Harold. I once knew a guy called Harold. He was loud and cocky. So my choice of name is rather apt.

 

5:30am is so preposterously early that the early bird hasn’t even begun contemplating his early morning dining experience. The worms on the other hand revelling in their temporary freedom, are no doubt high fiving each other, with their tails obviously, and drinking pina coladas. Not many people know this but worms are functioning alcoholics. This probably explains why they hate bright light and are paralytic most of the time.

 

The early bird meanwhile is snoring softly and dreaming of the day when they turn Central Park into a giant aviary. Sadly though reality often pales in comparison to fiction because what the early bird doesn’t realise is that down at ground level Central Park actually smells like urine. I’m not sure if it’s because people in New York have weak bladders or if it’s because the rain is that acidic. Either way there’s no way in hell I’d ever roll around in the grass. Better safe than sorry. After all there’s nothing worse than rolling into a wet patch.

 

I would like to say that my reasons for waking up that early were noble. For example I could say I had volunteered at a soup kitchen or that I wanted to take my three legged rabbit, Hop, for a walk. The truth alas is far different. I woke up because vanity rules my life. On the plus side it’s just as well because I had a monumental leak on board. It’s possibly one of the most satisfying experiences I have had all week. Then I went to gym. Sweat, gasp, sweat, smile, soon I’m going to go from gorgeous to downright fuckable.

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Comments
  1. Sarchasm2 says:

    LOL clever

  2. Desire says:

    Hahahaaaaaaaaaaa I get up at 4:55 every morning, and then stroll past our gym on the way to the kitchen……. On my way back with our coffee I turn my head the other way in shame.

    Loved this post it’s excellent!

    • innocent1 says:

      And just to prove it’s not a fluke I went to gym AGAIN this morning. But having said that it’s now 2:30pm in the afternoon and I’m one yawn away from a self-induced coma.

  3. paul says:

    Wake up at 04:30 so even the worms are still sleeping at that time! Looking good is from your genes (not jeans!) so look after them.

    • innocent1 says:

      If you knew how grumpy I am in the mornings, you’d realise that asking me to wake up at 4:30 is like giving a six year old a box of matches and acting surprised when he burns down the house.

  4. Malia M says:

    Some how this makes me feel better…and worse about sleeping in. 🙂

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