Posted: February 2, 2012 in Love
Tags: , , , , ,

“Do you miss me?” I could hear the accusation resonating in my tone. She paused, perhaps aware that I needed her far more than she would ever need me. It wasn’t love, far from it. It was an insidious form of lust. I wanted to possess her, to own her beauty. But it was a game, merely an ill fated distraction, because as soon as she wavered, as soon as she let me in the door, I would lose interest. It was all about the chase, the mystery of not knowing whether I’d captivate her imagination.

I’m ridiculously shallow and callous when it comes to matters of the heart. I sometimes get the impression that I’ve forgotten how to truly feel. But I know that’s a lie I tell myself. I’ve been masking my emotions since I was a child. Paying for the sins of those who were meant to love me the most. I’m afraid to remove my mask. It’s a truth that floats to the surface, when I’m alone, and I’ve let my guard down. But I suppress it, tie it to the anchor of denial, and watch it slip beneath the murky waters of my mind. I don’t like to dwell. Reflection leads to recrimination.

I still love the saltiness of the first kiss. The breathless anticipation, the staccato heartbeats, the way the tongues and desire interweave. I haven’t grown immune to its’ magic. For a brief moment I can taste happiness. I can feel the spark like a fireworks show that blazes across a pitch black sky. It burns bright but dies young. The memory however lingers on even if the intensity of the colours fades over time.

No two kisses are ever alike. Some are like a dance, exotic and enticing, others are dramatic, urgent, and feverish, then on rare occasions you experience the smouldering, soulful kiss that settles on your lips with the delicacy of a butterfly and for that moment nothing else matters. Nothing else however eventually intrudes even on the best of intentions.

I think when we kiss someone it expresses a facet of who we are. Our personalities are communicated through our lips. Playful, reserved, deep, shy or inquisitive. It speaks a silent language. Often revealing more than we ever intended. Sometimes it’s desperation, sometimes it smells like wine, sometimes it’s adultery, sometimes it’s unexpected, sometimes it’s longing, and every so often it’s love.

I love the concept of being in love. It conjures up images of lazy days in bed, holding hands, giggling at private jokes that no one else gets, and staring deeply into each others eyes as if you’re the only two people in the world. I wonder if I’ve ever come close. Surely that’s an answer that should be on the tip of my tongue. But I’m hesitant to give an unequivocal answer. The truth is I’m not entirely sure. Have I spurned my chances, did I turn a blind eye when opportunity walked by, or am I merely damaged, incapable of committing myself fully to someone else. I think I may have used merely out of context there.

I suppose I’m not the easiest person to love. I’m flawed, perhaps not on the surface, but still waters run deep. I can’t say I’m more deserving of love than someone else. I’ve done things in my past of which I’m ashamed. Sadly I haven’t always learnt my lesson but I’m trying. I’ve experienced events in my past that trouble me to this day. I would like to say I’ve learnt the art of forgiveness but sometimes I catch the demons whispering in my ear. The reality is you can’t runaway from your past, you have to find a way to learn to live with it.

The secret is I’ll only be ready for love once I’ve learnt to love myself.

  1. Unusual_Me says:

    yep loving urself and accepting your past is the first step 😉

    • We all have our private battles that we must wage.

      • truthseekerss says:

        are you kind of hoping this post that someone will see it or are you trying to make sense of concience/heart? personal posts like this are usually when one is feeling guilty about something


        tell us brother joe, wth did you do?

  2. truthseekerss says:

    Ag that isnt much of a secret, we all know what goes down in the hearts of ladies man – you’d be surprised how much we actually know. But then again Im knighted Sherlock, can’t speak for the rest 😛

  3. truthseekerss says:

    ok sorry, I am being insensative to you opening up. sorry, i am a regular jackass mostly. what i was trying to say is that often we believe that people dont see through our facades but most of the time people know. people that are whole usually find it easier to open up and to love. the walls we build are often due to something that happened and its very difficult sometimes to break bad habits and to trust. love oneself is accepting our faults and past mistakes, aswell as those of others. i see the humour in people and their mistakes aswell as my own but that is because i know that human beings are all idiots. ha ha

    hiding behind looks will just hurt you in the end unfotuantely and shallow relationships damage you more. best to just not over analyse and best to stay away from women you know you will intentionally hurt because in the end, what you do to others, you really just doing to yourself.

    stay single, stay pretty and feed your cat! my best advice. hee hee just kidding. ahhhhh but your sensative side was most certianly triggerd by something, would love to know what! And I know, I am your best friend and your worst enemy – you can pay me in kind later. I don’t do food parcels or cheques though. Always cash up front.

    PS: love comes alot more naturally when you learn to just enjoy people the way they are, afterall we dont have to sleep with everyone. we choose to do that…. and incidently I think you wonderful… a pretty, witty fellow with a good heart mostly… ok dont expect to get so much attention for free again and sorry about the direct aproach but ag, Ive never been one or knockoff Gucci.


    • Wow someone was feeling verbose yesterday 🙂 I guess I’m at a stage in my life where I thought I’d have everything figured out but I’m realising I’m not even close. That’s either a scary or exciting prospect depending on my mood. I think this morning I’ll go with the latter because at least it means I’ve still got a lot to experience and discover.

  4. truthseekerss says:

    Ag get used to it, it will happen many times. Ones mood always changes in the am. In all seriousness I1, just learn to see the bright side in the journey, we all fup but wtf can you do about it. Jack. Move it along and be who you are regardless of what anyone else says or thinks. We love you, and you love you more, so what! Its who I1 is, and we like it xx

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