Archive for February, 2012

It’s frustrating when life gets in the way of a perfectly good blog post. Don’t get me wrong reality has its perks but it never quite matches my imagination.

 

Being a responsible adult, or at the very least trying to impersonate one, I have been neglecting my blog in favour of being productive instead. I have been trying to attain that sense of self-satisfaction that comes from doing an honest day’s work. Regrettably that hasn’t happened at all. Instead burning the midnight oil has made me grumpy and my consumption of mother’s milk, aka wine, has tripled. I didn’t even think that was humanly possible.

 

Needless to say when I’m grumpy my tolerance of others and my sarcasm share a direct linear relationship as demonstrated by the diagram below.

 

Oprah, not that I ever watched the show because I have a penis obviously, was of the opinion that you should always put your happiness first rather than slaving away for the ‘man’. Actually I’m not entirely sure she did say that but I’m using creative license here. Bearing that in mind I think it’s time I started focusing on the important things in life like sleeping in and clothes shopping.

 

For the past couple of days I have been obsessing over Katy Perry. Now that she’s single again I’ve realised I’m back in with a chance. I jest of course. If you’re going to date someone, you might as well make it worth your while, and date a blonde!

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FLASH FICTION FRIDAY

Posted: February 24, 2012 in Random
Tags: , , , ,

As they gathered all around it dawned on him that he had no idea why he was holding the knife or why his clothes were drenched in blood.

 

That he had just butchered a goat struck him as perversely funny. That it was his neighbour’s beloved pet did however complicate matters!

 

The challenge should you accept it, is to write a story in 55 words or less. Feel free to write a prequel, or sequel, or anything that takes your fancy. I should however warn you that bettering this literary gem is nigh on impossible and sane men that have tried now suffer from bouts of uncontrollable tears and sleep with teddy bears named Pookie!

Last week it dawned on me that my complexion was looking rather pale and as I didn’t want to suddenly become an extra in The Vampire Diaries (Worst show ever? Possibly if it wasn’t for the fact that watching golf on TV is exponentially worse. I’d rather lick razor blades) I decided it was time to take immediate action against my glow in the dark visage.

 

So without much further ado I chose to take a holiday to what is known as the Mother City. For those of you not familiar with Cape Town it is basically the San Francisco of Africa. I could elaborate on that comparison but I won’t.

 

Cape Town of course is so much more than this. It offers breathtaking vistas, sublime beaches (Seriously the sand is so white you could be forgiven for snorting it) but regrettably frigid waters (If you value your manhood you won’t even attempt it), and a quaint little known mountain that is often affectionately called Table Mountain. It looks nothing like a table however but according to the learned geologists because it’s flat on top that obviously means it resembles a table. In that case they may as well call it Breadboard Mountain. Well breadboards are flat aren’t they? And at least then the locals can say their mountain is the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Most agreeably the Cape region in South Africa also produces the best wine in the world. This is a fact. I say this because a rather misguided female from Portugal had the temerity to suggest that Portugal makes good wine as well. As far as I can recall the only two things Portugal are famous for are peri-peri chicken and moustaches, and that’s pretty much it. Anyway I digress. I love red wine. It makes me happy and as far as I’m concerned it’s medicinal as well. Feeling sick? Drink wine. Problem solved!

 

Most importantly however at this time of year Cape Town has sunshine until practically 9pm at night. In essence this means you can see bikini clad women at all hours. How awesome is that? If your first response wasn’t totally then I feel sorry for you and hope you contract a fungal infection in the not too distant future.

 

I am pleased to say that my strategy was a complete success. Not only am I gorgeous as always (9 out of every 10 women polled said they’d rather do me than eat a hot dog) but I am now also sporting a heavenly tan. It’s fair to say even Gisele would be jealous.

A VIEW TO A THRILL

Posted: February 22, 2012 in Random
Tags: , , , , ,

Yesterday… Wait hold that thought. I think a round of applause and a drum roll might be in order here. Anyway like I was saying yesterday I exceeded 50 whole views in one day on my blog. I know what you’re thinking, surely that’s not possible! But why would I lie to you? I mean look at my face it’s practically angelic.

54 views to be exact. Wow! (Said with my mouth in a perfect O shape and my hands upon my cheeks) If I’m not mistaken that amount of views must mean I’m awesome. Needless to say with this newfound popularity it’s only a matter of time before I start attracting groupies or at the very least a nubile stalker with a wanton disregard for morals and an overly keen sex drive. I live in hopes and I wait expectantly.

Just imagine what’s going to happen when I reach the holy grail of 100 views in a day. I’ll probably pee in my pants and when everybody starts to notice the strange lingering odour I’ll blame it on the dog.

The more astute among you may have noticed that I have rather randomly tagged this post as ‘life’. Obviously it has absolutely nothing to do with life, except in an abstract sense, but I like flouting conventions. That’s right I am badass like that! Although I should point out I don’t make a habit of wearing leather all that often unless of course my shoes count. In that case I send my sincere condolences to the family of the cow that gave his life so that my dainty feet can continue to skip in comfort.